Ramblings.

Autumn seems so melancholy. Everything is withering away, the skies are almost always gray, it's raining and cold, or just cold. I never used to see it like that. I loved the fall. The miasma of colours, piles of leaves to jump into and it isn't too hot or too extremely cold. But this fall, I am rather pensive and moody. That goes without saying, due to recent events. But more so, I have been reflective, particularly this weekend. I've been thinking a lot about last fall, and remembering all the things I have been through. I remember movie nights, snuggled comfortably inside a sleeping bag with her, looking through old photographs and home videos. I remember a night out in a boat, under the stars and the words, "I never want this to end," drifting to my ears. I remember dancing, a chilly night out in a soccer field with the constellations burning brightly above us. I remember lazy mornings when I'd wake upon her couch, wrapped in a thick comforter. I remember how innocent our time spent together was. Most of all, I remember being exactly where I wanted to be. I miss it all. Then I get to thinking, "Is this where she really wants to be? Did she ever feel like she was exactly where she wanted?" I cannot say.
I've just been burning myself out thinking about this. There's nothing I can do. If she doesn't want to listen to me and turn her cheek to the truth, then it's her loss. I can give her one last chance if she really wants to take it, but she doesn't. So what's the use of fighting for something that is utterly unattainable? This is not where I want to be. We do not need to be here. I just wish she felt the same way. I don't think it would do any good to try and work it out with her anyways. She won't listen. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. She doesn't want to try and make it work. And then, after all she's done to me recently, does she really deserve to be my friend?

I guess it's only appropriate to feel bummed in such a dismal season.

-Matt